For Immediate Release
(Baghdad)—The following press release was just issued by the Office of Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the U.S. House:
While meeting with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki in Baghdad this weekend, Speaker Nancy Pelosi presented her program for ending the violence and for making Iraq a respectable, civil nation in the world community.
Speaker Pelsoi titled her program "Make Love, Not Jihad." The Pelosi program is patterned after the City Charter in San Francisco and includes the following recommendations:
Gun Control
Iraq's violence is a direct result of easy access to all sorts of killing tools. The government must outlaw all weapons of mass destruction, IEDs, handguns, shotguns, rifles, machine guns and all other firearms. No exceptions.
Declare Iraq a "Terror-Free" Zone
San Francisco pioneered the "Nuclear-free" zoning concept several years ago to alert the world that The City is completely free from nuclear weapons and should not be attacked. That policy has worked beautifully, because there have been no nuclear incidents since the declaration was codified into San Francisco's City Charter.
Using the same logic, Iraq should declare itself a "terror free" zone and then just relax and wait for the insurgents and coalition forces to leave.
Reduce "Pressure" on Iraq's Borders
President Bush advised the American people during his State of the Union address that the illegal immigration problem, which is crippling America, is the result of too much "pressure" on America's borders.
Iraq is in a similar situation as it works to keep Iranians, Syrians, and other troublemakers from crossing the borders into Iraq.
Taking some of the "pressure" off Iraq's borders should solve this problem almost immediately. Please contact President Bush for more tips and information.
Make Suicide Bombing a Capital Offense
This heinous crime must be made illegal, punishable by death.
Eliminate Death Penalty
With the exception of suicide bombers, the death penalty should be eliminated. It is barbaric and archaic, and is a leading cause of "cruel and unusual punishment" in Iraq.
Diversity and Tolerance Workshops
Sunnis and Shiites in Iraq need to focus on their similarities rather than their differences. Diversity and tolerance workshops will teach them to respect and love each other, and to focus on a common objective: Killing infidels!
A special outreach program should be established to bring disenfranchised gays and lesbians into mainstream Islam.
Reduce Dependence on Foreign Revenues, Stop Global Warming
George W. Bush and big oil interests in America have forced Iraq into becoming almost totally dependent on foreign revenue for income. Selling oil for profit also exacerbates the global warming crisis, as oil is the mother's milk of the combustion engine and pollution.
Iraq should abandon its oil fields and start growing opium and marijuana. Experienced San Francisco horticulturists are available to help get this business sector started.
Higher Taxes, Redistribution of Wealth
Iraqis are not sacrificing enough and sacrifices are not shared equally. Thus, a universal tax increase is needed immediately.
In addition, a progressive tax structure is needed to level the playing field between Jihadists with money and those without. Again, San Francisco's tax collector can provide valuable help.
Abortion on Demand: A Fundamental Female Right
One of the major reasons for Iraq's pathetic status as a third-world disaster is the fact that fifty percent of the national talent, energy, initiative, and intelligence is all but ignored.
Specifically, Iraq undervalues and stymies the development, education, and advancement of women. For Iraq to progress to the 21st century, Iraqi women must be emancipated from the male mindset that says, "Keep women barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen."
Making abortion on demand both legal and free is essential to reversing the misogynist hatred that is keeping Iraq mired in the 7th century.
Universal Health Care
Anyone who watches the evening news with any regularity can see that the great masses of Iraqi people suffer immensely from the lack of affordable health care. Indeed, the people look haggard, emaciated, and lacking in dental care.
Iraq must implement a universal health care program for all people, including insurgents and others in the nation illegally. This humanitarian program can be funded by raising the cost of oil exported to America by $25 a barrel.
Such a price increase would reduce demand in America and would eventually reduce global warming as well! Al Gore can provide more information on this brilliant idea.
Speaker Pelosi concluded her presentation by wishing Prime Minister al-Maliki well, and by expressing her sincere hope that someday Baghdad will be known as "San Francisco in the Desert!"