It's A Pundit

Satire by John Lillpop

Helen Thomas of the Washington Press Corps has a face and voice that only a mother could truly love.

Provided said mother happened to be a blind and deaf liberal, that is!

ALL liberals are dumb, so calling out that defect would be redundant.

Thomas has been haunting presidential press conferences for nearly 50 years. In the 50 years prior to that, she was Herman Munster on The Munsters, a role for which she was uniquely qualified because she required absolutely no make up, and even earlier, Thomas was the scare crow in the Wizard of Oz.

As the oldest living journalist to be on the payroll of both the DNC and UPI at the same time, one can see years of wear and tear played out on Thomas' haggard face.

Rumor has it that every question that she has asked of a sitting president is commemorated by wrinkle on Helen's face.

That rumor appears to be substantiated by the fact that, over the past six years, President Bush has almost never called on the combative lefty–owing to the fact that there is simply no room left on her kisser for new wrinkles!

But on July 12, President Bush broke his own rules and allowed Thomas to pose the first question in the newly renovated White House pressroom.

In her typical thankless and classless manner, Thomas pulled no punches and demanded that the president explain his actions with respect to the Iraq war, a conflict she described as "Your war" to the beleaguered president.

Thomas' acting out should come as no great surprise to anyone, least of all to George W. Bush.

Remember, according to this pillar of journalistic objectivity and fairness, the following truths pertain to the criminal and unconstitutional war in Iraq:

* The Iraq War Joint Resolution, passed by the U.S. House on October 10, 2002, including 81 Yea votes from Democrats, passed by the U.S. Senate on October 11, 2002, including 29 yea votes from Democrats, and signed into law by President Bush on October 16, 2002, in no way makes the Iraq quagmire anything but "Bush's war."

According to Thomas, the president could, and should have, vetoed the joint resolution.

* Before George W. Bush personally invaded Baghdad, no terrorist or potential terrorist had ever stepped foot in Iraq. In fact, Al-Quaeda and other terrorist organizations were completely unaware that Iraq even existed until March of 2003.

Terrorists throughout the Muslim world have flocked to Iraq in direct response to Bush's arrogant "Bring them On!" challenge.

* UN Resolution 1441, approved unanimously by the UN Security Council, is irrelevant because it did not authorize Bush to invade Iraq or to have Saddam Hussein hanged.

* The terrorist attacks of 9/11 were probably "staged" by Bush and Dick Cheney just so that the administration could declare wholesale war on Muslim nations, and especially Iraq.

Iraq was made a prime target in order to atone for Saddam Hussein's attempt to assassinate Bush 41, and to "grow" Cheney's equity position in Halliburton and Enron.

Whatever Helen Thomas' biases and journalistic failings may be, it is a lead pipe cinch that she has never been, and never will be, accused of making her way to the top with a pretty face and raw sex appeal.

That is just not Helen Thomas!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Mine is not, of course.

After all, she brought moi into the world and ever since that joyous occasion, the joint has not been the same.

For gifting the world with me, my mum deserves the eternal gratitude of the entire planet. I sort of appreciate her good works as well, even if she did spend most of her pregnancy in devout prayer for a bouncing baby girl.

Sorry, dear mum, but the Lord gave me what he gave me, from head to toe with all vital parts in between. What you see is what you get, holy prayer or not!

Thank God my folks were dirt poor, or dear mum might have tried to have me plumbing altered to suit her gender bias.

Why in the world she wanted a Joan instead of a John is still a mystery. In any event, I sort of got even with her by refusing to put the toilet up until two days after her funeral.

At that point, it seemed the logical thing to do, since she was no longer around to swab the bathroom floors, and I positively gag at the sight and smell of stagnant urine and mops.

Mind you, I am not adamantly opposed to transsexual conversions, except when the object of the surgeon’s knife is that which I hold dear and true.

In California, we call it a man’s Royal American, and ain’t no way mine is going to end up as a replacement part for some whacked out broad who is suffering from terminal Penis Envy!

But what about those mothers whose offspring bring agony, rather than joy, to the globe?
I am thinking of those who gave birth to Hillary Clinton, Dennis Kucinich, and other left wing monsters, for example.

Should the women who bore and raised these brats be praised or flogged in public?

For the woman responsible for foisting Nancy Pelosi on an innocent America, which is more appropriate: A dozen red roses and a pound of chocolates, or public stoning?

Happy Mother’s Day!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Baltimore, Maryland is a city haunted by liberal infestation without equal, save San Francisco which is actually a political suburb of Moscow.

Evidence of Baltimore’s decadent politics is ample: Speaker Nancy Pelosi was born here; her father was a U.S. Congressman from Maryland and a Mayor of Baltimore, and one of her five brothers also served as Mayor.

With such a rich history of liberal politics, one would expect Baltimore to be a shining example of political correctness, diversity, and tolerance.

“Acceptance and love for everyone” is surely mandated by city ordinance, and enforced more rigorously than laws pertaining to drunken driving, acts of terrorism, and other violations less serious than non-PC speech.

Despite the influence of Speaker Pelosi and other family politicians, it turns out that Baltimore is home to intolerant scalawags, at least when it comes to conservative icons and great American patriots like Rush Limbaugh.

Baltimore vandals, suffering from obvious deficits in diversity training, decided that a billboard featuring the mug of America’s beloved El Rushbo was too offensive and bland.

So the thugs splattered the billboard face of Rush with gobs of red, blue, yellow, pink, and black paint.

Reacting to the vulgar defacement of the greatest “ditto head” to ever live, Robert Murrow of Baltimore Department of Public Works, told a local newspaper: ""It looks like they took globs of paint and threw it on his face. It looks great. It did my heart good.”

Murrow stated the obvious when he added that he is no ditto head. He is, however, a flaming dodo head.

Baltimore officials promise than an investigation is ongoing to determine who defaced the billboard. A full and unrelenting prosecution is promised one the guilty party or parties is identified.

For her part, Speaker Pelosi emphatically denied any role in the Rush Rage that is consuming her place of birth and declared that “intolerance is intolerable and will not be tolerated, even in cases involving intolerant ditto heads and other intellectually challenged right wing fools.”

Unconfirmed reports indicate that the speaker is perhaps being disingenuous, at the very least.

That is the conclusion of an anonymous tipster who reports that careful examination of the pink and black globs around Rush’s mouth clearly show the initials NP, SOTH.

Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House– and closet starving artist?

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Satire

At long last the White House has admitted that George W. Bush is not up to the task of being America's commander-in-chief and Mexico's hired gun on illegal immigration at the same time.

Because Bush is far more passionate about ceding America to Mexico than he is about winning in Iraq and Afghanistan, Duyba has decided to look for a "war czar" to run the wars.

Duyba's new aide-de-camp will handle the day-to-day activities involved in the wars Bush has going right now, and will be available to take over any new wars that Bush might fancy over the next two years.

Having a war czar in place will allow Bush to personally oversee the decay of the United States nation into a third-world cesspool. The czar will also be a convenient punching bag if the "surge" fizzles and Dubya needs to deflect blame so as to not sully his legacy.

Democrats were surprisingly supportive of the war czar concept. In fact, Speaker Pelosi faxed her resume and a cover letter to the Oval Office to let Bush know she would like the position. Pelosi claims to have experience in the region and listed Syrian President Assad as a character reference.

Conservatives were generally unimpressed by Duyba's latest folly.

Said one, "Forget a war czar. What America really needs is a competent, credible president!"

Amen to that, brother!

As one who consumes copious quantities of bottled water and canned soft drinks, I recently fell for some of the leftist pap about the inherent moral and spiritual superiority of those who recycle.

Mind you, people here in the San Francisco Bay Area take recycling very seriously.

In fact, next to assuring full rights for gays, transgenders, illegal aliens, and Islamofascists, being Green is the number one priority for any Bay Area resident worth his or her weight in "Bush Lied, People Died!" bumper stickers.

Here, correct punctuation requires one to capitalize green, as in Green, while letting God fend for himself, as in god.

Being Green is no longer optional, nor is it merely a commendable thing to do for those obsessed with doing community spirit.

In the San Francisco Bay Area, Green is a full-scale religion and vital condition for survival.

Example: State and local police, highway patrol officers, sheriffs and other law enforcement authorities are forbidden from even asking about the immigration status of a carload of intoxicated Hispanics with Tijuana license plates and Viva! Mexico tattooed on their foreheads.

But do not let a state or local police officer, highway patrol officer, sheriff, or other law enforcement authority catch you tossing an empty Pepsi can into the garbage!

That is a serious offense that can lead to severe penalties and prosecution.

Bay Area residents are even required to segregate regular garbage from recyclable materials. Dumping an empty plastic bottle into the wrong type of trash bin is not yet a felony, but the San Francisco Board of Supervisors are working on it.

Mayor Gavin Newsom has said that he would sign such a law, provided the law includes rebates for empty whiskey bottles, and used administrative assistants.

Da Mayor is learning that rehabilitation–San Francisco style– can be dangerous to one's health!

After years of sorting through my garbage in order to do what the city of San Jose pays Sanitation Engineers (garbage men!) $40 an hour plus benefits to do, I decided to recycle my empty cans and bottles on my own.

Recycling as a way of life seemed fairly straight forward, even simple: It was just a matter of hauling empty cans and bottles to a designated recycle center, and collecting the small pittance offered to those not fortunate enough to be paid $75,000 a year by the city for hauling garbage.

The project seemed even easier than imagined when I found out that there were two recycle centers very near my home.

As it turns out, the closest recycle center is also a Vietnamese grocery store. But not to worry, because much of the signage in the shopping center is in English.

Once inside, I quickly realized that asking for help in English had about the same likelihood for success as selling Holocaust artifacts in downtown Tehran! Forget it!

So it was off to the next recycle center, and yet another Asian food store. Another store packed with people who found the word "Recycle" confusing, profane, and or hysterically funny.

By the grace of God, I was finally directed to the recycle area in the lot behind the food store.

Thinking that my nightmare was finally over, I started to feel slightly better about recycling. Perhaps it wasn't all bad after all.

My positive mood quickly went negative at the recycle station. There, the Hispanic attendant had his radio tuned to a Spanish music station with the volume so loud that one was tempted to call the EPA to report a violation of air pollution standards.

Despite blaring Mexican music and an English-challenged recycle clerk, I was able to redeem my cans and bottles and do my small part to save the planet.

Still, the experience was so repulsive and un-American, I decided to get even in my small, spiteful way: I donated the recycle rebate money to Exxon with a handwritten note reading "Compliments of Al Gore."

In English!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Most modern liberals believe that military force is an old fashioned and outdated method for conflict resolution, and one that should be consigned to the dustbin of history.

To the liberal mindset, war is sooooo 20th century. Like VCRs, heterosexual marriage, and Kindergarten without condoms and cucumbers, war is no longer fashionable, or even tolerable.

So-called progressives now embrace the Rodney King strategery for dealing with disagreements and rivalries.

King is the young African-American man who was damn near pulverized to death by several baton-wielding officers of the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) in 1992.

Videos of the King pummeling were broadcast all across the globe, and were reportedly used by the Pentagon to train Marines assigned to guard Abu Grab prison in Baghdad.

Unconfirmed reports also suggest that Howard Dean used the King videos to demonstrate what could happen to uppity blacks that failed to vote a straight Democrat ticket.

In any event, Rodney King set the stage for liberal intellectuals by posing the famous rhetorical question: "Can't we all just get along?"

Although King's epiphany was not quite as dramatic as Mose's experience with that burning bush, the King illumination has been the underpinning for the Democrat party platform on war and peace ever since.

Liberals believe that all conflicts can be resolved by simply talking.

For example, according to liberal intellectuals:

* Jesus Christ would have been spared crucifixion if only He and Pilate had met to discuss their differences once in a while;

* The Holocaust was nothing more than a simple misunderstanding that could have been avoided if those dang upstart Jews had been willing to talk;

* President Truman incinerated Hiroshima and Nagasaki only because he could not reach Japanese Premier Hideki Tojo on the horn, and

* 9/11 would not have happened if George W. Bush had called Osama bin Laden once in a while to chat about middle east oil, the price of Haliburton shares, and late ball scores from the west coast.

This liberal philosophy is based on the premise that all people are essentially the same, and that there are really no evil doers.

Excepting George W. Bush and all Republicans, that is.

Recognizing the liberal philosophy for what it is helps to explain Speaker Nancy Pelosi's bizarre behavior on the floor of the U.S. House and her trip to the middle east.

We now know exactly what Pelosi said to Syrian President Assad during her stop in Damascus.

"Can't we all just get along?" Speaker Pelosi asked the shocked Assad.

Unfortunately, Pelosi is naive enough to believe the murdering terrorist when he replied, "Of course we can, madam Speaker. Of course we can!"

Satire

President Bashar Assad
Damascus, Syria

Yo! Bashar,

We are in receipt of your communiqué, dated April 4, 2007, in which Syria announces that Speaker Nancy Pelosi of the United States has been taken captive and is being held by your government.

Although we appreciate your desire to cooperate with the United States in this delicate matter, your offer to release Speaker Pelosi unharmed is categorically and firmly rejected.

To begin with, it is, and shall remain, the policy of the United States to never negotiate with terrorists.

Based on her recent attempts to force my administration to surrender to the enemy in Iraq, Speaker Pelosi is now officially considered a terrorist, at least by this office. As such, Ms. Pelosi is no longer welcome in America.

We believe that Ms. Pelosi's anti-American attitudes and behavior are a perfect match for Syria, and most especially your administration. We encourage you to work with Ms. Pelosi to find a suitable position for her in your government.

Moreover, your offer to terminate all financial, military, and tactical support to terrorists in the middle east is unacceptable and is also rejected.

Again, your demand that we take Speaker Pelosi back is just too steep a price to pay for peace.

We are encouraged by the fact that Syria has chosen a diplomatic and peaceful course of action in this matter. Although we cannot accept either of your offers at this time, conditions may change after the November, 2008 elections.

I have asked my Secretary of State, Dr. Rice, to contact you directly in mid-November, 2008 to discuss the matter further.

In the meanwhile, I wish you all the best in dealing with Speaker Pelosi.

Please advise the speaker that we hope she finds herself in Syria. Please also tell her that Laura compliments her on that Maple Leaf-studded headscarf.

Sincerely,

G.W Bush
President of 'Merica

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

As originally conceived by Nancy Pelosi and her pals on the loony left, the culture of corruption (COC) was to be the least democratic, least inclusive, and least honorable society in all of Washington, D.C.

Pelosi envisioned that the COC would be the exclusive domain of Caucasian Republican men. That would be scalawags like Tom Delay, Duke Cunningham, Jack Abramoff, Scooter Libby, and hundreds more to be named just in time for the 2006 mid-term elections.

While Pelosi was building her case for the COC as a Republican-only institution, her cohorts in the Democrat Party started misbehaving by slugging Capitol police (Cynthia McKenzie), driving while looped and loaded (Patrick Kennedy), and accepting bribes on video (William J. Jefferson).

And in a new development sure to rock Pelosi's last six plastic surgeries, COC has expanded its membership criteria and now admits Democrat Jewish women.

Senator Diane Feinsten (D-Calif.) is the first COC member in that category owing to her resignation from the Senate's Military Construction Appropriations subcommittee.

Feinstein was chairperson and ranking member of MILCON for six years, during which time she had a conflict of interest due to her husband Richard C. Blum's ownership of two major defense contractors, who were awarded billions of dollars for military construction projects approved by Feinstein.

But, of course, we can rest assured that Pelosi and Harry Reid are working night and day to bring out all the facts in the Feinstein fiasco. Right?

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Speaker Pelosi has left Washington, D.C., to visit Syria. That is the good news.

The bad news: She is coming back!

Pelosi's sojourn has gossipmongers and political pundits working overtime to answer the $60,000 question: Why?

Doesn't Pelosi realize that she has already done enough damage to the United States with her mind-numbing surrender?

Experts say Pelosi is probably going to Syria for one or more of the following reasons:

* Promote the Pelosi Doctrine for the middle east which calls for the impeachment of George W. Bush and the resurrection of Saddam Hussein, both on Easter Sunday;

* Explain the surrender bills passed in the House and the Senate, and to set a "Date Certain" for resolving all differences into a final bill that terrorists can live with;

* Celebrate First Quarter achievements with Islamofascist sponsors and get marching orders for 2nd Quarter;

* Offer the full time services of William J. Jefferson as Ethics and Banking adviser to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. Jefferson's salary and all living expenses to be paid by the DNC, provided Jefferson does not return to the U.S. before the day after the elections on November 4, 2008;

* Formally apologize to Syria for the shameful behavior of the Bush administration with regard to 14 innocent Syrian musicians who were viscously harassed during a Northwest Airlines flight from Detroit to Los Angeles in 2004. Pelosi will refer the Syrian government to the San Francisco chapter of the ACLU for further action.

As a gesture of goodwill, Pelosi will also offer to hire the 14 musicians (at minimum wage) to perform at the Gay Pride festivities in San Francisco on June 20;

* Get fitted for a Niqab, the traditional Muslim face wear for women, just in case the "Islam thing" takes hold in the U.S.

* Demonstrate her Islam-friendly politics by traveling with Rep. Keith Ellison, America's first and only Muslim elected to Congress. Pelosi plans to keep a detailed account of all racial profiling and other discrimination suffered by Ellison at airports, in bars, and on the plane in order to argue for repeal of the Patriot Act, and

* Fly in one of those cool 757 air force jets that the Air Force refuses to let her use for fund raising scams in San Francisco.

All in all, Pelosi's trip is good for America because while she is out of the country at least she is not making stupid "Tax and Surrender" laws!

Go, Nancy, Go.

Stay there, Nancy, Stay there!

By John W. Lillpop

Not so very long ago, White House political strategist Karl Rove was considered a political genius, a virtuoso who could do no wrong.

Blessed with an IQ too robust to measure, Rove was like a balding version of Harry Potter–a wizard on a mission to save the Republican party.

Only an improbable combination of genius and wizardry would explain Rove's masterful feat in getting George W. Bush elected President of the United States, and reelected to boot.

Without magic wands, incantations, and complex curses at his command, there is no way that Rove would stand a chance at winning with a candidate who is unable to string two cogent sentences back-to-back, who creates words like "Hispanically" and "strategery," and who makes your cross-eyed, demented aunt sound presidential.

Unfortunately for Rove, the snake pit that is Washington, D.C., has whittled him down to size, at least with respect to influence, if not girth.

No longer in the same league as Harry Potter, Rove has assumed the persona of Voldermort, AKA public enemy number one.

Rove's failures include alienating the Republican base, and losing both the U.S. House and Senate to the dreaded Democrats. That is not cool for the resume of a highly touted political strategist.

About the only positive news for Rove is that he was not indicted by Patrick Fitzgerald in the Valerie Plame non-scandal that has Scooter Libby at such loose ends.

However, Rove is not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination: Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.) announced his intent to issue a subpoena, with the name Rove prominently inscribed thereon.

Which means that Rove will be required to testify under oath, an act that sounds alarm bells in the heads of those who worry about matters like perjury, obstruction of justice, and jail time. Ask Scooter Libby.

Rove's ongoing issues are not good news to the Bush legacy-making machine, an enterprise that is quickly running out of time.

At it now stands, George W. Bush is widely perceived as a dyslexic cowboy with a history of alcoholism who resembles Adolph Hitler more than Winston Churchill, and who is more of a threat to world peace than Osama bin Laden, North Korean President Kim Yong Il, and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, combined.

Which is not a pretty package to leave behind for liberal historians to sort out.

Clearly, it will take Herculean efforts to remake Duyba into a Mister Rogers clone between now and January 20, 2009.

Just as clearly, Karl Rove needs to vacate the White House premises as soon as possible.

To replace Rove, Bush needs a young, intellectually gifted, well-educated, sophisticated, flame-throwing conservative who can take the heat off the president long enough to allow his legacy dream team to do its job.

Bush's new political strategist at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue should be a well-known, widely hated conservative figure who can distract the enemy (Democrats and the liberal media) while the president and his team tend to the nation's urgent business.

Bush needs a person who can combine a withering wit, acerbic tongue, and "take no prisoners" attitude with an uncanny ability to create an impromptu media firestorm, when needed. And one who can do so with obvious delight and outlandish humor.

Where might the president find such a talented and radioactive purveyor of ill will? One that Democrats and the media already hate more than Bush and Rove combined?

Does the name Ann Coulter ring a bell?