It's A Pundit

As if the 30 million or so illegal aliens already haunting America is not bad enough, President Bush spent the last six days beating the bushes in Latin America, looking for even more invaders to house, fed, clothe, educate, and provide medical care for.

All of which is to be paid for by American taxpayers, of course.

For their part, hundreds of thousands of Latinos were trying to beat the Bushes in massive street riots and protests at every stop.

Clearly, George W. Bush is a "unifier" without equal.

Think about it: In the space of just six fleeting years, this president has united a billion Muslims, China, Russia, North Korea, all of the middle-east, and now Latin America, against the United States.

Significantly, the repudiation of Bush crosses all racial, social, educational, economic, and political lines–he is an equal opportunity antagonist with remarkable versatility and consistency.

Only when one escapes earth's gravity does the anti-Bush fervor seem to diminish–and then only because our commander-in-chief has yet to launch a preemptive strike against a neighboring galaxy.  But he is probably working on it.

While on his mission to annoy as many Latin Americans as possible, the president stopped in several nations to spread the gospel, according to Duyba:

In Brazil, Bush urged more Brazilian students to invade our colleges and universities.

Funny, there was nothing in the mainstream media about a crisis involving a shortage of Brazilian students in the U.S.  But Duyba begged Brazilians to "Come to America to study," nonetheless.

In Uruguay, Mr. Bush touted an effort that his administration is very proud of: A program that helps President Tabaré Vázquez in his efforts to make Uruguay youngsters more literate, particularly in English.

If this program pans out as expected, Bush is expected to enroll for the fall semester himself, in order to upgrade his own English-language skills.

In Columbia, Bush insisted that America needs a guest-worker program for good hearted, hard worked Colombian drug traffickers.

Bush said such a program would motivate the thugs to give up their multi-million dollar cocaine trade in order to pick avocados for $3.50 an hour in 100-degree heat in California.

In Guatemala, the president decided to try out a new comedy routine.

Responding to criticism from President Oscar Berge concerning deportations of illegal aliens, the president actually had the gall to claim that America is a nation that operates under the rule of law, and that the U.S. would continue to enforce the law.

When the laughing finally died down, Bush grabbed a crate of lettuce, hoisted it onto the back of a truck, and declared himself just one of the hombres, and an illegal alien at heart himself.

In Mexico, the final stop on the president's trip, Bush was confronted by Mexican President Felipe Calderon who appears to have lost his mind after just three months in office.

Calderon expressed outrage over the pending fence at the U.S.-Mexican border, and demanded that the America do more to accommodate Latinos who want to invade America, whether or not America needs or wants them.

Bush could have responded with lectures about rule of law, Mexico's own harsh immigration program, America's vulnerability to terrorism, U.S. sovereignty, and preservation of American language and culture.

Instead, Bush promised to put more pressure on Congress to speed up America's unconditional surrender to Mexico.

Bush also invited Calderon to visit the White House once it is renamed the Brown Palace, after comprehensive immigration reform (amnesty) is enacted.

Despite the spin coming from Bush handlers, there were negative developments.

For example, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez followed Bush around like a liberal activist looking for new voter fraud strategies and tactics.

This portly commie hurled insults, accusations, and lies at Bush while screaming "We are going to take this battle to Brazil, Uruguay, Columbia, Guatemala, and Mexico!" in a mental collapse reminiscent of the Dean Scream in 2004.

Note: Howard Dean's office vehemently denies that the Chavez rants were sourced from the DNC anti-Bush handbook and media talking points guide.

But the best story line of the trip involves Mayan spiritual leaders who protested Bush's visit to Guatemala because "he (Bush) angered the gods."

Maya leaders in the ancient site of Iximche in Guatemala say they will have to cleanse the ground that Bush walked on during his visit.

They plan to do this by laying flowers, burning incense and then throwing water on the ground where his feet have touched their sacred land to clear the bad energy his visit has caused.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has indicated that a similar procedure may be needed by Democrats in Washington, D.C., especially if Bush persists with his wrong-headed troop surge in Iraq!

by John W. Lillpop

As the Ann Coulter "F" word scandal spreads from coast to coast, from Mexico to Canada, and throughout Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Guam, the moon, and other American territories and holdings, otherwise rational Republicans seem intent on throwing out the baby with the bath water.

After all, Ms. Coulter did not wish death on any opposite-minded foe as did Bill Mahler; she did not put on a phony southern accent and pretend that Ebonics is her native tongue as Hillary Clinton did, and she did not storm into Selma just to grab national media attention while pretending to be part of the historic civil rights struggle that began there 42 years ago, as Barack Obama did.

Most importantly, Ms. Coulter did not pretend to be a conservative as Rudy Giuliani did.

Anyone who has studied Giuliani's record knows he is wrong on abortion, wrong on immigration, wrong on gay issues, and, in fact, wrong on nearly all issues important to conservatives.

The only thing Giuliani has going for him is this: He is not Hillary Clinton!

Other than that, a Giuliani presidency would be nearly as tragic for America as the past six years have been under the mindless Dubya.

As for Ann Coulter, at least the woman is consistently conservative. She is right, and always right, on all of the issues.

Those genuinely concerned about preserving conservative values should denounce Rudy Giuliani's liberalism, rather than hyperventilating over a harmless bit of satire from Ann Coulter!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

by John W. Lillpop

Does anyone in the PC-muddled world understand the satirical genesis behind Ann Coulter's "inappropriate" remark last week?

Does the name Isaiah Washington ring a bell?

Washington is a star of the television hit show "Grey's Anatomy," who called fellow actor T.R. Knight the "F" word.

As a result of that PC violation, Washington nearly lost his career. In fact, the beleaguered actor actually checked into rehab to seek treatment in order to quell the uproar.

Can you imagine? Use of an "offensive" word is of such gravity these days that one is compelled to enter rehabilitation, like an alcoholic or drug addict?

For uttering one word which, in abbreviated form, used to mean cigarette?

Mind you, Washington's sin did not involve any of the seven "dirty" words forbidden from use on U.S. airwaves by the FCC.

Alas, Ann Coulter was obviously referring to the entirely inappropriate, politically correct nonsense that Isaiah Washington stirred up when he used the "F" word.

As a brilliant satirist who delights in pummeling liberals at every turn, Ms. Coulter dropped a line that sailed way over the heads of her conservative audience and the mainstream media.

Above all else, it was a joke and NOT an "outing."

There will be no "film at 11," and with the exception of 3,823 empty tubes of Brell discovered on John Edward's multi-million dollar estate, Coulter has no corroborating evidence to share.

So, please, put away the kindling wood and gasoline.

Burning Ann Coulter at the stake, while it would be great fun for liberals and the media, is neither necessary nor "appropriate."

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San F

By John W. Lillpop

With control of the U.S. government now in the hands of the enemy,
patriotic Americans are anxiously searching for answers.

What are the options? One can either move to Australia or
commit suicide. Some really desperate folks are even thinking
of becoming Democrats!

To those undecided between suicide and becoming a Democrat,
please consider the inconsistency and irrational thinking needed
to embrace the liberal agenda.

* Military force must never be used, except when needed to
advance interests not vital to the United States, or to obscure
a Democrat president’s sexual misconduct in the Oval Office.

* Execution of a convicted killer is cruel, unusual & barbaric;
whereas a woman’s right to abort the life of an innocent child
is inalienable.

* Starving an innocent victim like Terri Schaivo to death is
acceptable; using lethal injection to end the life of a brutal killer is
not.

* Burning Old Glory is acceptable free speech, whereas
conservatives like Rush Limbaugh routinely engage in
unacceptable “hate speech.”

* Skyrocketing gasoline prices devastate working American
families,but protecting wild animals and obscure organisms is a greater
priority.

* Large profits are obscenely un-American, except when enjoyed
by George Soros, Oprah Winfrey, Hollywood stars, and other
liberals.

* Conservatives working to preserve American culture are bigoted
hate mongers, but the "cultural heritage" of new immigrants must
be protected and celebrated at all costs.

* Discrimination based on race or gender is wrong. Except when
it is waged against Caucasian men, in which case it is mandated
by law & called Affirmative Action.

* Invading a foreign nation is wrong, except when illegal aliens
from Mexico invade America.

* Those who believe English should be the official American
language are "racist," whereas Hispanics who prefer Spanish to
English are perfectly justified because "diversity is our
greatest strength."

* The earning power of American citizens is in sharp decline;
still, the U.S. should grant amnesty to millions of illegal
aliens who will work for lower wages and without benefits.

* Blocking the sale of port security to UAE was necessary to
protect homeland security, but securing the border with Mexico
would “scapegoat” Hispanics.

* Illegal aliens should be licensed to drive– to avoid breaking
the law by driving illegally.

* Freedom of speech must never be repressed, except when
“hurtful” to any constituency of the Democrat party, in which
case it becomes hate speech.

* Tax cuts are wrong when money is returned to people
who actually paid taxes, but perfectly fine when sent to those
who paid none.

* All symbols of Christianity must be quashed so as to offend no
one, whereas all things Islamic must be heavily promoted in the
name of religious awareness, diversity, & tolerance.

* Businesses are oppressive, fascist institutions and must not
be allowed to become too large. On the other hand, government
when run by Democrats, creates wealth & happiness and should be
expanded as much as possible.

Think about it– Are you stupid enough to be a Democrat?

Or do you wish to borrow my handgun?

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has made headlines all over the world recently with her eyeball-to-eyeball conflagration with Vice President Dick Cheney. Pelosi actually wanted to have a heart-to-heart session, but the Veep smelled the obvious trap and declined.

Speaker Pelosi was in Hollywood on Sunday night for the Academy Awards, and she agreed to this interview on the Red Carpet:

John:

Well, again, Speaker Pelosi, thank you ever so much for taking time from your busy schedule to spend a few minutes chatting. What brings you to the Oscars?

Speaker Pelosi:

Nice to see you again, John. My main interest in being here tonight is to witness the transformation of the world by the 43rd president of the United States.

John:

Madam Speaker? I did not know that President Bush was scheduled to be here tonight.

Speaker Pelosi:

Oh, good grief, John! I mean the real winner of the 2000 election. Al Gore, the man who fell victim to that vast right wing conspiracy at the Supreme Court. The man who should be president!

John:

Oh, I see. Any particular reason why you came to see Mr. Gore?

Speaker Pelosi:

Of course. The man who should be the 43rd president of the United States is going to receive an Oscar for his magnificent movie. That honor will spark a worldwide revolution against politicians and business leaders who refuse to think green. Al Gore is about to change the world forever.

Besides, it's too cold in Washington.

John:

That makes perfect sense.

Now, Madam Speaker, you, and Vice President Dick Cheney seem to be engaged in a personal war. Verbal charges and counter charges, back and forth.

What is that all about, Madam Speaker?

Speaker Pelosi:

First of all, John let make this perfectly clear. I was very upset by the recent attempt to assassinate Mr. Cheney. There is no place for that sort of action in our debate.

Secondly, I believe that the incident proves my point. Namely, that Al-Quaeda poses no legitimate threat to America or our allies. The entire issue is overblown.

John:

You believe that the attempted murder of a sitting vice president is just hype? What do you plan to do about it?

Speaker Pelosi:

Exactly right, John. The Cheney attempted murder was nothing more than a "crisis" staged by the White House to grab news headlines.

As far as what I plan to do about it, after the news broke I immediately called the president to complain about Cheney's grandstanding.

John:

And how did the president respond?

Speaker Pelosi:

He asked the basis for my complaint. That is when I told the president that Cheney faked a murder attempt because he knows that Democrats were about to announce major legislation to help poor Americans. Cheney clearly wanted to knock me off the front pages.

John:

New legislation? What is that Madam Speaker?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, I was saving this for prime time news, but since Cheney hogged the airwaves, I guess I can tell you.

We Democrats have decided to rewrite the minimum wage law so that it applies to all military personnel as well as to those in private enterprise. Except for Tuna corporations headquartered in San Francisco, that is.

John:

But won't that do severe economic damage to the men and women who serve so bravely and heroically in the military? The people whose lives are on the line?

Speaker Pelosi:

Actually, worrying about those in uniform is pure rubbish! As John Kerry correctly pointed out, those in Iraq are the least bright and least educated in our society–we need to stop pandering to the less capable.

Besides, there is a huge income gap between what people in uniform earn and the real poor–especially the 30 million illegal aliens here from Mexico.

John:

How will cutting the income of brave American heroes help illegal aliens, Ms. Speaker?

Speaker Pelosi:

Under the Democrats' plan, wasteful military incomes will be slashed and the savings will be used to buy health care insurance and education for illegal aliens.

It's a win-win for America!

John:

Wow! That is bold and creative. Did you share that plan with President Bush?

Speaker Pelosi:

Funny thing, that. I had just finished explaining to the president that the Cheney murder attempt was prove positive that I should have a fleet of 757 Air Force jets on call 24/7.

John:

And?

Speaker Pelosi:

Before I could get to my next point, the line went dead. I called back but the switchboard operator said the president complained of a throbbing headache and had gone to bed.

John:

So, what's next?

Speaker Pelosi:

I will call George again, first thing in the morning.

Like I say, "It is a new day in America!" and I mean it!

John:

Thank you for your time, Speaker Pelosi.

satirebylillpop

Satirebylillpop

In her hysteria to pummel the oil industry and it's "obscene profits," Lady Hillary Clinton seems to have overlooked an obscene profiteer in her very midst.

That would be Slick Willie, of course, the man with whom Hillary has been manacled through good times and bad, for better and for worse, and despite Jennifer, Monica, Paula, Kathleen, Juanita and a cast of tarts far too numbered and ill-reputed to describe in detail on a family web site.

As it turns out, former president Bill Clinton has collected nearly $40 million in speaking fees over the past six years.

Here:

That is not too shabby for a kid with a phobia for the truth and a weakeness for the flesh from Hope, Arkansas.

Where is the outrage and hysterical screams to "take those profits" for an energy fund, Hillary?

Or, better still, why not seize Bill's bills and use those millions to build a Recovery Center for women abused by sex addicts?

Specifically, women who were abused by sex addicts holding powerful positions of power and authority like, say, a state governor or president of the United States?

Good heavens, Hillary, you could fill the center with women from Slick's little black book just by calling the names starting with A.

Or is the entire issue dependent on how one chooses to define obscene? Another "Is Is" kerfuffle?

Satirebylillpop

By John W. Lillpop

The spiritually naive probably view the capture of both chambers of Congress by Democrats, including the ascension of Nancy Pelosi to House Speaker, as coincidental. A national death urge on the part of the American electorate, perhaps, but with no perceivable cosmic significance.

In fact,however, everything happens according to a Divine Truth, a metaphysical chess match played for eternity on a Universal stage by Barons of the Heavens.

How else can one explain the extraordinary situation we Americans find ourselves in these days?

Think about it: America is "blessed" with a president and second-in-line successor who think and act like Sesame Street characters Oscar the Cookie Monster (President Bush) and Big Bird (Speaker Pelosi) rather than serious political shakers and movers.

Most distressing, the only thing separating Big Bird from Oscar's desk in the Oval Office is an out-of-shape old shyster from Halliburton with the heart of a lion–a very sick lion.

A man whose heart would have been replaced decades ago if surgeons had been able to find the damn thing!

Only a Divine Mind with an outrageous sense of humor would give the U.S. a president who is unable to pronounce "nuclear" and a bug-eyed speaker who believes that public prayers should be taxed!

But bitching changes nothing.

Might just as well wish everyone a Happy Chinese New Year, and chalk up the mess in Washington to the Year of the Pig!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

As men in the "boomer" generation reach the later stages of life, a new medical ailment is driving millions of once virile, confident men to tears and shame.

Namely, the dreaded ED, as in Erectile Dysfunction.

ED, pervasive among men in their 50s and 60s, has spawned a new family of medicines devised to treat the debilitating loss of performance in life's most vital game.

The sports analogy is "He got game!"

Men with ED "got no game."

But thanks to some nerdy scientist, who has probably never witnessed the awesome beauty of the disrobed female anatomy in person, American men now have Viagara.

We call it Blue Magic.

In sports vernacular, "We got game again!"

Hallelujah and glory be to the goddess of love!

The only side effect with Viagara is the danger of heart attack from too much excitement. But what the heck, no drug is perfect. Right?

But, the medicine is a bit pricey.

In order to determine what can be done to make Viagara accessible to all men, we contracted with beltway insider Opel Bijiquiovarti for a research project. The objective was to determine what legislative steps should be taken to make Blue Magic an integral and automatic part of the American Dream.

Bijiquiovarti, a constitutional scholar and part-time assistant pharmacist at the CIA, released the following findings, but only on the condition of anonymity:

The Bijiquiovarti findings:

* Erectile Function (EF) is an inalienable right guaranteed by the United States Constitution.

* The right to EF is found in the same section of the Constitution that guarantees a woman's right to an abortion, and is adjacent to the Constitutional requirement that mandates separation of church and state.

* Because EF is an inalienable right, Viagara must be made available to all males diagnosed with ED. For men unable to afford the medicine, Bijiquiovarti has learned that state and local governments must provide Blue Magic free of charge. No exceptions!

Congratulations to Bijiquiovarti for his outstanding research and reporting expertise!

Coming as it does so close to Valentine's Day, the Bijiquiovarti report is the most exciting news since the Emancipation Proclamation.

Thanks again, Dr. Bijiquiovarti!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

As nearly everyone knows, Speaker Nancy Pelosi hails from San Francisco, the most liberal-infested city in all of America.

The Sodom and Gomorrah of contemporary civilization. The antithesis to logic, reason, rule of law, and rational Republicanism.

That would be the same San Francisco that recently refused to allow the USS Iowa to dock in local waters because of local opposition to the war in Iraq.

The same wacky city in which the school board voted to keep ROTC off school campuses because, in the words of a former teacher, "We need to teach a curriculum of peace."

The same city in which Supervisor Gerardo Sandoval actually said, “We don’t need the U.S. Military” and “I am not in favor of a standing army."

Despite intense anti-military sentiment in San Francisco, Speaker Pelosi wants the United States military to fly she and a cast of thousands back and forth between Washington, D.C. and San Francisco on a regular basis.

Of all the bloody check!

In order to meet the Speaker's zany request, it would be necessary for the military to divert the equivalent of a 757 from legitimate government purposes, just to fly a "Socialist Think Tank" 3,000 miles. One way.

On top of the extraordinary expense, authorities would have to keep a real close watch on Gerardo Sandova to guard against a reckless act that might jeopardize U.S. military aircraft in San Francisco airspace.

Of course, the burning question that must be asked in light of Pelosi's immodest request is: Why are the Board of Supervisors and local anarchists not protesting Pelosi's plans to jump in bed, figuratively speaking, with the military?

Might it have to something to do with the thousands of money sacks stuffed with U.S. treasury that Pelosi is expected to bring to San Francisco vultures via that 757?

Minority-party Republicans have a moral–indeed constitutional–obligation to provide opposition "oversight" to protect America from Pelosi and her socialist conniving.

In that regard, several pertinent questions and alternatives must be examined:

* Until now, Pelosi has managed with far less elaborate accommodations. What justifies this quantum leap?

* In this era of advanced technology and communications, why is the Speaker not relying on e-mail, voice mail, the Internet, and cell phones instead of fuel-guzzling air travel?

Perhaps Pelosi should forego her next six plastic surgeries in favor of a tech makeover in Silicon Valley?

* As Speaker, Pelosi is now much higher in the presidential pecking order and should spend most, if not all, of her time in Washington, D.C.

Why not put Pelosi up in an inexpensive Motel 6 studio, within walking distance of the capitol, where she could stay 24/7 except for federal holidays?

* Pelosi claims that a large aircraft is needed for non-stop flights. But recently deposed Speaker Dennis Hastert was required to take flights with stops.

Why is that not good enough for Pelosi?

* Given Pelosi's bleeding heart, would it not be more humane, and politically correct, to give money to homeless people, illegal aliens, and other unwashed poor folk, rather than wasting funds on lavish accommodations for the liberal elite?

Bottom Line: California does not need a Pelosi presence in the state. Ever.

After all, we have a state government comprised mostly of Democrats who are quite capable of driving California into bankruptcy and complete moral decadence without the bug-eyed Speaker of the U.S. House!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

John W. Lillpop

I just scrambled from out of doors down here in San Jose, California
where the bitter wind and cold bring back awful memories of night baseball at Candlestick park in San Francisco in July or August.

Of course, the wicked wind and cold are all the fault of G.W. Bush and his non-green Texas-style BBQs.

Actually, recent research indicates that expulsions of intestinal gas (farts) by cows may be a major cause of global warming. So by slaughtering and frying as many cattle as he does, Duyba, and not Al Gore, should receive the Nobel Peace prize for environmental nicety.

But back to California: Because of environmental concerns, one can no longer toss a log or two into the fireplace to generate heat. Sweaters, jackets, gloves, ear muffs, head scarves, and windbreakers come, at least partially, from animals butchered for unseemly profit by right-wing capitalists. So they are out!

What, then, is one to do?

How about praying for a good blast of global warming? Make that prayer to a non-denominational, non-offensive god, of course!

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are actually considered normal!